Rain on autumn leaves

today just wasn't my day.
or any other councillor's either.

woke up at 6.15, took the 6.30 bus, walked with Jolina.
had extreme stomach ache and cramps at the same time.
you have no idea how much that hurt.
i could barely walk.
i had to force myself.

did morning duty with Fatin, had to sit down coz it hurt so much, and i was getting goosebumps all over.
Razzan came by and asked if i was okay.
i said laughed and said no. xD!

went to the toilet with Halima.
let's just say i lost a lot of blood >.>

walkathon... then we had to wait outside the hall while everyone got to watch the perfomances.
how stupid.
haiz.
really really sad that i didn't get to watch.
i even cried.
hahahhahas!
weird, i know.
i cried because i realized i'll miss 3 years of perfomances. haiz....
sedih uh..
and something else too. ( which played on my insecurities)
and Sibling kept singing.
which pissed me off, mainly because i think he's practised more than enough, and this thingy is not that big a deal anyway.
or maybe it's just because i'm having my period.
hahhas.

the perfomance was just.
sucky.
and pathetic. and embarassing.
i missed perfomances for one embarassing one.
it was that horrible.
when we walked in, everyone was boo-ing.
and that bustard Zak, went " EH councillors! hurry up! when recess?!"
and people were like, taking out mirrors and adjusting hair?
not to mention MY OWN CLOSE FRIEND LIYANA SHOUTING "LAME!"
it really hurt. thank you very much Pasir Ris Crest Secondary.
you suck.

when the performance was over, all of us were sad and silent.
we only talked about it when the students came streaming in for their recess.
not wanting to show our faces, we escaped into the councillor room.
i felt like crying when we were talking about the performance and the people's reactions.
i hate this school.
i hate the people in this school.
memang ah dorang gerek, tapi respect entah mane .

watched the games with Nabila.
i don't know why, she reminds me of my sister.
hahas!
when i used to envelope her finger in my hand.
i did that to Shasha unconsciously. hahas!

went back to class.
i admit i was still mad at Li.
then Halima was like telling me to stop showing her attitude and stuff.
as in, not to show my anger at her, when i'm angry at Li.
well. i can't help it lah.
when i'm angry i just need to be alone.
just don't hairankan my feelings okay?
cried.
sheesh.

went home with Felicia, Pavi, Atiqah.
Pavi bought for me one choco muffin.
i got myself another one.
in the mood for chocs.
went Felicia's house, she blanja me OCK.
food makes me feel better.
haiz.

at home, mum just finished giving a lecture about stuffs.
about academics. and finishing studies.
she said " Don't you have a dream?"
yes. but my dream doesn't have much to do with academics.
so how?
hahas!
cried. cried. and cried.
and crying now.
fuck this. i'm so damn emotional now.
i just want to keep crying and crying and crying.
goodbye.